I am healthy (and other perspectives that matter)

Things started to shift about a month ago and the first variations showed up in my mailbox.

I could see the final delivery coming from the moment I left my appointment on July 2. However, I waited patiently and tracked it the whole way ~ exam, ultrasound, biopsy, MRI.

Breast cancer arrived at my doorstep, via phone call, on August 2, 2024, and the envelopes in my mailbox began to hit a little different. The return addresses grew increasingly technical ~ radiology, oncology, general surgery.

Before the period that ended the sentence "you have cancer" ever had the chance to settle, I thought....

"THANK GOD I AM SO HEALTHY."

The thought and belief surfaced so quickly; I'm talking lightning-speed here.

My lifestyle, while not perfect, has always included a deep commitment to heart, mind & body. And in that moment of not-so-good-news, it meant everything ~ every day of workouts, every moment of meditation, every early bedtime, every walk outside, every connection to nature, every healthy-lunch packed, every dance move, every adventure, every moment of laughter and joy. All of it.

Never once did I think ~

"I can't believe it! How could this happen to someone as strong & healthy as me?"

"Cancer must not care how much I take care of myself. It doesn't even matter."

"Why even work so hard?"

~ nor anywhere remotely close to those trains of thought.

My health is THE BEST NEWS I have in this diagnosis.

And let's allow health to grow vast: I am referring to self-awareness, joy-finding & gratitude-building, physical strength, breath & regulation, relationships, nutrition, purpose, passion, self-acceptance & self-worth. These are all things I have worked on every single day and with each year that has passed, I have gotten just a little bit better at each of them ~ 47 years of disciplined, dedicated practice.

So when the words "you have cancer" were given, I was able to let them drop on my shoulders with a spirit of belief and positivity. They felt, and still feel, beyond-gravity heavy and I am working to trudge them along. I am attempting to discover the new rhythm of my footsteps, increased courage of my core and a renewed stability of my gaze.

So if I may, let me share how "being healthy" looks on me right now....

It is having enough authentic passion & love for the work I do to get out of bed even when it feels a little extra hard these days. It is knowing that my purpose is stronger than my circumstances.

It is holding enough self-confidence and intellectual-steadiness to navigate being dropped directly into the machine called the medical system. I am lodged in gears & formulas & steps & routines that overwhelmingly undervalue my intuition and eastern-influenced beliefs instead of valuing them as a partner and asset (guaranteed more on this at a later time).

It is being angry and sad and walking through those emotions. There has not been a single savasana or yoga practice since July 26 , when I knew that official diagnosis delivery was getting closer and closer, that hasn't included tears out the sides of my eyes. It is using this time to let go of raw emotions to ensure I don't retain animosity and resentment. It is knowing how to keep my mind and heart open.

It is feeling empowered with crazy-badass physical strength that pushes me right back to my workouts after cumbersome and uncomfortable appointments. It is having fought incredibly hard to be this physically fit and allowing this type of toughness and tenacity to keep me in the game even as I experience weaker days.

It is being brave enough to say no, to step away and to allow others to support me.

It is my connection to nature and staying committed to being outdoors more than in. It is fresh air and walks and hikes, sometimes with my favorite vibes in my headphones and other times with cicadas or birds in the background. It is trusting that the earth below me is here to hold me and that I am completely supported, seen and safe.

It is understanding that food & water is fuel my body needs and that even though I don't feel much like eating right now, to still pack the fruits and vegetables and to make the time to eat slowly and to hydrate. It's realizing the power of routine and how habits will hold true in defiant moments if they have been built stubborn enough.

It is continuing to treat people well & maintaining relationships to make all hearts smile. It is continuing to walk with a spirit of love and joy and compassion. It is remaining grateful for all the little things ~ the nice clerk behind the counter, the extra-good coffee and hitting all the green lights on the way to work.

It is anchoring to the most powerful tool I have ~ my breath. It is going from being poked & prodded to waiting for results of the poking & prodding. It is preparing for an unavoidable surgery & recovery. Without calmness of breath, I would be spending all my time in panic, anxiety & fear right now. Yoga and meditation have given me a pathway to peace. When the panic, anxiety & fear surface (and they do every day), I watch my breath swing out and away from me. Through intentional focus, I wrap a rope around my breath and gently invite it back to center, encouraging it to arrive back to natural rhythm. This is probably my greatest strength, yet the thing that is being tested more than anything right now. But strengths can only be named and honored as such if they stick when the road ain't so easy.

It is leaning into all the wisdom my mom taught me after she, too, faced this diagnosis in her 40s. The beauty in this gift is that she didn't teach me these things to give me a life-guarantee, nor because she believed she had the power to protect me from all-things-difficult in life. She did it is so I knew how to truly understand the value of a life well-lived and well-loved. She is still teaching me those lessons, 36-years cancer-free.

It doesn't matter how much we put it in; none of us can fully dodge physical challenge, heartbreak, loss, nor any ups & down of life for that matter. That's not the damn, fucking point. In fact, we can't fully exist without those things.

I never focused on my health to attempt to be immune to anything. I am not super human. I focused on my health to be the best version of myself every day & to be ready for any life turn.

So as I veer left...

I am healthy. That is my perspective and perspective either feeds negativity or breeds positivity. It is the difference between pulling out the mail and allowing it to be bad news or realizing that I just got a letter from my newest best friends & support team; the team that is here to keep me healthy.