To Strive or Thrive (& other life balances)

this one is dedicated to my life mentor and lifelong friend, josephine.

I have had a few really-down days,

and, thanks to life experience and insight, I-kinda-sorta knew they were coming.

In case you were wondering, I hate them ~ these days that trend downward.

And sometimes, lately, I hate all of the life instincts and wisdom that help me better understand and accept my current circumstances ~ like I literally want to throw up my entire existence on everyone's feet and make someone else clean it up for once.

But, ironically, my life descents won't let me ignore what my heart and soul know. The world is here to take you down many paths ~ ones that allow you to click at an easy pace and others that have you climbing and fighting for air. We don't get to opt out on one journey and expect to receive the full benefits and enjoyment of the other. Up can't exist without down, nor left without right. Growth and improved states of being are discovered by braving every moment of our lives. Our footprints have to be left on every trail.

So here I am ~ waking up every morning and being forced into deep, deep, deep moments of realization and reflection, with light being shed on things I have needed to see for quite some time.

Some of us have to be striving in order for others to be thriving. We can't all be clicking at an easy pace ~ the path would be far too crowded. We wouldn't have enough space to be grateful for the fresh air and sunshine. And we can't all be hiking up the mountain, grasping for air ~ it would be too dangerous and too complex to find the way back.

As I sit here writing on a beautiful Saturday morning, I feel myself wrapped in this exact life balance...

I have been clicking along at busy and strong pace since March 15, 2011. This was the day my one & only son was born. Ben arrived on this earth and was forced to begin life literally fighting for air, diagnosed with Pierre Robin Sequence and other craniofacial issues.

It was such a scary time, but I was immediately given the gift of watching this tiny, but mighty human being step through challenge after challenge and come out the other side with a type of strength and wisdom that, in my opinion, is now showcased as 13-year-old awesome. He is dang cool. He is exactly who he should be and his journey has unfolded exactly as it was intended.

Becoming Ben's mom changed me in all the most wonderful ways. The amount of gratitude I felt, and still feel every day for his survival, will never be able to be captured in words, but hopefully it has been observable in action.

13 years ago, I intentionally decided to not waste time. Actually, I am not even sure it can be called a decision. There was no other choice. Ben's life lit me up with a kind of energy and love that I had never experienced before. Perspective resounded over and over again and there was a sense of empowerment that landed in me. It was the empowerment of realizing that I get to choose how I live my life every day ~ with positivity, with compassion, with grace, with love, with a spirit of adventure and strength. The past decade + 3 have been my favorite years of my life and, to be blatantly honest, I am pretty fucking proud of how I show up every day. It's not perfect, but it feels damn good most of the time. I sleep well and wake up peaceful.

When I knew the pace of my life was going to be changing, my first thought was Ben. I didn't know how to tell him that his mom ~ the person that dances in the kitchen, works three jobs, sometimes takes 7 workout classes in a day, walks before sunrise, travels solo by choice ~ was going to look and be a little different soon. I mean how do you tell your child that you have cancer? I didn't know.

If you take anything away from this post, I suggest this ~ get yourself a life mentor. Get yourself a friend who loves you unconditionally, a friend who has no interest in spitting advice your way, a friend who believes in you and whose only interest it to walk alongside you and help you find your way.

I am lucky enough to have one and I headed directly her way on the heels of this diagnosis. I knew she would hug me and that we would swap a few tears. I knew she would open the door and let me enter a space to let out all my thoughts and wonderings and confusion. I knew she would listen with full intent of compassion and understanding. I knew she would ask me good questions and offer gentle thoughts for consideration.

And I am so very thankful for the 5 sentences I carried out of her house that evening ~

Ben, the doctor called back and I have cancer.

We are a healthy family.

We take care of ourselves.

When we are not healthy, we get help to get better.

Just like we did when you were little.

5 periods and 2 commas made all the difference for Ben. He received clarity. He felt our family beliefs and values. He heard that his mom was going to survive just like he did.

It's Ben's turn to thrive and he is. I am not stretching this truth in any way ~ he is over-the-top-doing-well right now and in ways that I could never have expected. It started with these 5 sentences and has been secured by so many people in my life ~

the teachers who love him and know him and are keeping an extra, gentle eye on him,

the friends of mine who are taking care of me in the background

and

the people in my life who didn't hesitate to let me step away from my crazy-busy-ways to create more space for him

And here lies the main insight that was waiting for me this morning ~

Life needed me to slow down in order for Ben to thrive.

I have zero doubt that I have been a strong, female role model for my son and that I have shown him how to fiercely live and love with vitality.

But, cancer has given me back to Ben.

I'm around for dinner, more present in conversations and easier for him to find.

Just the other day, he came upstairs to find me on the couch, taking it easy and recovering. He asked if I knew my surgery date and about how long I thought my recovery would be. After providing what I knew, he said...

wow, Mom, this is going to be great

it's fall and its football season

it's a nice time to be outside like you love and we can watch all the games together

plus, you'll be here to get me off the bus every day

After I mentally picked my melted heart up off the floor, I responded...

you're right dude, we are going to thrive

(if you would like to read more about Ben's story, his blog still exists here. this is when I began exploring life and love through the art of writing)

And cheers to my life mentor and lifelong friend ~